i'm so sad

i'm so sad again. there's someone i feel a lot for and we don't manage to even call and hear each other. it's that bad for month now. i can't tell when i last heard his voice. we sent emails just by time. i must confess he's not doing well for he got cancer and he often needs to stay in hospital or doesn't feel good eventhough he's home. but whenever i got a message, that he feels better and he would love to call me i put everything aside and take some time off in hope to use this rare chance to keep in touch with him. the last few times i send my friends away who stayed with me or turned down all invitations i got for that day, but in the end we just didn't meet up, whether on the phone nor any other way. a week later or something he writes a short note like: 'sorry my dear, i couldn't keep our date, i didn't feel good.' or ' sorry dear i had to date someone else'... there's always something or someone more important than i am. for some times that's ok for sure. i'm not that kind of person who doesn't understand or can't feel into a situation, but it's frustrating. i feel like i won't break it all up next time he asks me if we can spend some time together, but tell him i already planed to do something else. if it means we won't talk for half a year or something, well then that is the way it goes. i'm, not willing to turn it all around anymore just he snaps a finger. he never asked me to do, but i felt he's so important to me that i wanted to make sure i can grap all chances he gives me.
a few days ago i was in need of a good friend and asked if he might have some time for me. he agreed and we made up a time to talk. again i waited for hours. 5 days later i got a mail where he said he was sorry but he needed to meet with his boyfriend. don't tell you they're living together so they see each other nearly every day. he just put his priorities and i need to rethink mine i guess. yesterday he wrote an email asking if i may have some time this afternoon. i didn't replie in an instant as i would have done before and i really made up my mind to replie at all. so things are changing i feel. i wrote back i'll be home by 4 this afternoon and whether he calls or not, we'll see. i pointed out i won't wait for hours. so if it's important enough he better is in time. i also made clear that i don't think he'll manage to keep our date today. i must confess that's not the way i want our friendship to be. and if calling me a friend for him means i must be there if he needs one but he can fail whenever i need him, than we're supposed to be called friends the longest time before.